chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
