How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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