my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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