i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Randomize