You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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