I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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