Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize