I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
