I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
