The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
