i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
