I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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