I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
