it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
