i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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