So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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