Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
