i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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