pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
