I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
