wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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