I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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