remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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