I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
