New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
