just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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