On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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