If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Damn victory sex feels great
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