it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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