I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
