party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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