she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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