Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize