I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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