My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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