Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We had sex on a dog bed..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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