glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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