I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize