based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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