i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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