Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
