I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
