Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
