I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
