Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize