I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
