but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am one with the molecules
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
