To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
