And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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