Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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