I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
