I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who died my cat blue again?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
