turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize