i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
