Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
