Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
