So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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