From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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