I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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